Forgiveness

“Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.”

Someone once told me to forgive people for all that they have done to me in my “past” because holding onto that anger doesn’t do anyone any good. But I refused to because I thought that if I held onto the anger, I would be able to fight for the battle against child abuse. What have I done to fight child abuse besides write a book and posting a few articles over the last few years on Facebook and Twitter? Not much. Sharing articles isn’t fighting, but it is opening people’s eyes about the issue and starting a conversation, and that’s exactly what I did when I wrote my book. I let people know what happened to me so they could take action when they saw it happening to someone they knew.

I recently had a dream that I was forced to live with my step father and sisters. They all hated me for writing my book, and frankly I was afraid of living with them because I was afraid of how they would treat me. My sister continued to hate me until I woke up, but my step father hugged me and told me that he forgave me, and I told him that I forgave him as well. The words and the emotions finally came out after all these years, and it was only a dream. Usually when people have a dream like that, they wake up and continue being angry, but you know what? It made me realize that I’m wasting what little time I may have in this life. I woke up and still forgave him.

Since that dream I’ve had a couple more dreams and my step father and I would hug and we would say I love you to each other. That feels good, because I do love him. I hated him for what he did to me, but I still loved him. Most of the dreams that I’ve had about him were all nightmares, but now the dreams are good dreams and I love that.

Here is a “It Gets Better” quote in my book about homophobia.

“There will always be homophobia, but you don’t have to accept that. That is when it gets better. When you can pick and choose who you want to associate with, that is when it gets better. You have to be strong and change your attitude about how you perceive the world. If you let the homophobes get to you, then life is going to be rough. If you decide that they have no impact on your life, then it gets better.”

It was right under my nose the entire time. If it were a snake it would’ve bit me. If I forgive people, then IT GETS BETTER! There it is. Why didn’t I see it until this very moment as I type this? I get it now, which is why I have forgiven everyone.

I forgive my mother for marrying him, even though she knew he was abusive. I forgive her for everything.

I forgive my step father for all the mental and physical abuse. There is no excuse, but I forgive him. I don’t care if he knows it or not because this forgiveness isn’t for him, it’s for me.

I forgive my sister for calling me a bastard child when we lived in Van Nuys. I forgive her for calling me a mother fu*ker when we lived in Bakersfield. I forgive her for accidentally breaking that lamp, then blaming it on me, then breaking things just to get me in trouble, then laugh her ass off while I was getting beat for it. That hurt me more mentally than physically, and the scars are deep, but I forgive her. I forgive her for telling me that I was going to hell when she found out I was gay, and she continued telling me that over and over practically on a loop. I forgave her when she apologized to me for that ONE thing, but I will forgive her again.

Hmmm, there were more apologies for my sister, but you know that’s ok because I forgive everyone. My life does not have to revolve around being mad at people for what they did or said to me. My sister says I am playing a victim, but I consider myself more a survivor. It doesn’t matter what she or anyone else thinks, all that matters is what I think. I mean, I am self absorbed after all lol.

So what I would suggest to anyone who is having a hard time in their life is to just find it in your heart to forgive them, not for their benefit, but for your benefit. They don’t even have to know you forgave them. Give yourself peace of mind because you don’t deserve to live in the prison that they put you in, or in my case, the prison I put myself in. The prison of course is the one you created in your mind. I have unlocked my cell, and it is about damn time.

Set yourself free and just let it go because it doesn’t do you or anyone else any good. My friend Alyce told me that, and I didn’t listen, but I get it now. It is better.

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