My life partner sent me this article last night about a 79 year old woman who took a DNA test and found her brother who then told her that her 100 year old mother was still alive.
It got me thinking, I’ve been searching for my father, but because I only had a picture and no name or social security number to go by, I really didn’t have any information to actually look for him, so I gave up. I found a picture of a man who looked like the guy in the picture that I have, but that was an obituary picture and he was much older, because obviously time has passed lol.
Anyhoo, I was thinking, what if I bought one of these DNA kits from 23 and Me that can show me if I have any living relatives that I didn’t know about? I think it is worth checking out. I will obviously have to put it on a credit card because I don’t have money, but I think I want to do it.
If I do do it, I will record video of myself through every step and put it on YouTube. It will take months of waiting for me to complete this video because first I’ll have to buy the kit on the website and it might take a week to get here, maybe a couple of days, but then it could take 4 to 6 weeks to get my results via email. But I’ve waited my whole life, what’s another 2 months eh?
I am excited and nervous at the same time. I’m excited for obvious reasons, I want to know if I have any siblings out there, and if I do, do they look like me? Or do I look like them? I’m nervous because I have many things in my life that I have been rejected by family and friends for already. My step father rejected me by telling me he wishes they would put all the, and I quote “faggots on and island and shoot them” when I was 13 years old. My mother even called me a faggot when she confronted me about being gay and told me I was going to hell. My older sister told me I was going to hell for being gay. I’ve had to quit jobs after coming out of the closet to people, and I’ve lost friends when they found out.
Other factors are the fact that I was diagnosed with HIV in 1991, and then diagnosed with AIDS in 1994. When I was diagnosed with AIDS I was advised by the doctor of the hospital to just go apply for disability because you can’t work now. Disability gives me medical insurance which helps with doctor visits since I have to see a doctor several times a year, and it pays for my HIV meds. Without medication, I will die. It’s literally the only reason I’m still alive today. I was dead in the water in 2000 when I had 50 t-cells, then the doctor at the clinic I go to now changed my meds and, well, I’m still alive.
My aunt who used to live in Simi Valley made it crystal clear to me when I visited her recently in her new home in Oregon that under no circumstances am I allowed to have a political opinion because she worked her whole life, she earned it. I skated through life on disability, so I did not earn the right to even have an opinion on anything, especially if it’s not the same opinion as hers. Basically, what I’m saying is what if they reject me for political reasons? I’m a liberal democrat, what if they are all conservative republicans and all they want to do is yell at me like my aunt?
And finally, what if I am the subject of ridicule because of the circumstances for which I was given life? My mother basically slept with a married man. The way my aunt tells the story, he was separated from his wife, and so they were in a relationship. I mean, she left that part out when she told me about him before I wrote my book, but still, what if they reject me for the very fact that my mother slept with and got pregnant by a married man? I have no judgement toward her for getting pregnant by a married man, but other people might, especially if my mother is the reason my real father and his wife were separated. They might take their anger out on me.
What if I do find my family and they don’t care about any of that and they welcome me into their family with open arms and they actually love me? That’s the dream right there. That’s the fantasy I’ve had my entire life. Finding my real father and he’s still alive and he wants me in his life and he loves me unconditionally.
I think negative about the whole thing because that’s how I’ve had to think my entire life. Expect the worst, but hope for the best. If it turns out bad then at least I tried, but if it turns out good, then at least I tried and it worked out.
I will start recording myself the day I decide to buy the DNA kit on their website and I will record myself along the way. The video isn’t going to be as exciting or good quality, but I work with what I have.
To be continued…