My niece found and then lost me

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I have waited a long time to share this story because I didn’t want to write it with the emotions I was feeling at the time. I wanted to be at peace before taking about it so my emotions won’t dictate how I write it.

So on May 21st 2022 my niece, my older sister’s daughter, contacted me on Facebook. She told me that she had been searching for me for 2 years and she was starting to think I was dead. No one would tell her anything because in my personal opinion, they didn’t want her to find me. My parents did the same thing to my grandparents and my aunts. They didn’t want those people to be in my life because I think they knew I would tell them everything that my family had done to me in my life. So I feel like my sister’s didn’t want me to tell my niece anything.

My niece called me the first night when she found me and we had a long conversation. Then we basically just texted each other and never spoke on the phone again.

The day before my birthday I got a message from my sister on Facebook messenger. See my previous blog post. I know it was stupid of me to message my niece, and I own my stupidity. I texted her and asked her if her mother told her she didn’t know where to find me and she said yes and I sent her a screenshot of her mother saying happy birthday to me and I said for someone who doesn’t know how to find me, she sure does know where I am. I then said that my oldest sister sends me a happy birthday every year, but my younger sister hasn’t. She said well she’s has her reasons, to which I said I know the reason and I’ll tell you. She did not like that response.

When I said I’ll tell you, she thought I was going to bash my younger sister, but that was hardly my intention. You see, I loaned my stepdad money in 1999 and he promised to pay it back several times and after refusing to pay it back, I threatened to take him to small claims court. So I am the reason she is mad at me. But I didn’t get a chance to say that.

She responded to me that I don’t talk shit within the family blah blah blah and I don’t want you in my family anymore. I sent her 3 messages saying no I’m not talking negatively about anyone, I’m the reason she is mad at me and then a week passed and she said, and I quote…

I don’t take words like that lightly. I would never say that to anyone no matter how much they pissed me off or how upset I am with them. And I did not think that I said anything wrong because I didn’t actually say anything about my sister. I blocked her immediately because those words are unacceptable and unforgivable. I take responsibility for starting it, but I don’t think that I did anything wrong.

Fast forward one month and she sends me another text message from another phone number and she spoke to me like nothing happened and she said this is her new phone number. You don’t come back to me a month later acting like nothing happened, like you didn’t say what you said to me. So of course I blocked that new phone number.

My mental health is the most important thing for me, as it should be because I have had a lifetime of heartache and abuse from my family. No one deserves to be spoken to like that. No matter how upset I am with any family member, I would never say that. And you cannot take that back, and you don’t get to pretend you didn’t say that and act like everything is ok. Nothing is ok. So, I’m done with her too.

And now that this is said and done, I’ll need some sage and meditation to get rid of this negative energy.

Facebook Rehab

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One week ago I blogged that I had an addiction with Facebook and it was causing me some trouble. I said that I would limit myself to 1 hour a day on my regular Facebook, and I would change my Facebook on my phone to another account which is a role play character from EverQuest, which I did.

So how do I think I’ve handled myself in the last week? I think I’ve done pretty good. During my 1 hour a day on my regular Facebook I try to just read the news feed and not respond, although there were a couple I did respond to, but I stayed on topic and I didn’t try to joke around which would make people yell at me. Just yesterday someone asked if there was a place he could get his hair cut without having to hear religious greetings. My response apparently showed how old I am because I was laughed at, but you know what? I honestly don’t care.

I actually had more fun on my role play Facebook than I have had in a very long time. My character is a gnome wizard, and I would see people post things and I would respond as if I were speaking for my gnome in EverQuest, and it made people laugh, in a good way. They were laughing with me, not at me.

Speaking of EverQuest, I logged into the game and saw that no one in my guild was playing, but someone left a message of the day saying “email me”, and so I did, and it was someone I haven’t seen in EverQuest in ages. So it was nice to reconnect, even for a minute. Someone else who I am Facebook friends with said he still plays EverQuest and asked if I had any Misty Thicket Picnics, which is food for our characters, and naturally I had 129 stacks. Stacks have 20, so I literally have 2,580 Misty Thicket Picnics heh. I also have 22 stacks of Qeynos Afternoon Tea’s, which is 440. Not bad. Sometimes it’s good to be a hoarder since I can give people things they can actually use.

Other things I have done during my week. I’ve played The Sims FreePlay and I started to play a game called Hay Day. I’ve only been playing it for maybe 4 days and I’m already level 16.

I have also been reading more. I am currently reading a book called Pathfinder Tales: Liar’s Blade. There are a LOT of books in the Pathfinder Tales series, based on a tabletop RPG game similar to Dungeons & Dragons. I also bought the Pathfinder Beginner Box from Amazon and I should get it in a week or 2.  It was only $25 and it has a lot more than the D&D starter set had. I don’t have anyone to play with, but I plan on eventually getting a group together to play at the Bakersfield Gay & Lesbian Center. I don’t know how to play though. If I can find someone who has experience and can be the Dungeon Master then great, I can learn through them, if not then I’ll have to learn as much as I can so I can be the DM and we can all learn together.

I am doing my best to focus on other things, because there is so much more to life than Facebook. Remember a time before social media when people used to actually call each other, or they used to go to their friends houses and interact? Remember when we used our cell phones to actually make calls? Yeah, me neither.

Anyway, I am considering getting a gym membership. Planet Fitness has a special right now that expires on September 15th, that is no money down and $20 a month for a 12 month commitment and $39 a year fee. I don’t really have the money right now, so hopefully they will have another special again in the future because I really want to go to the gym. I need to exercise and get out of the house a little more. It’s a 21 minute bike ride from the house, but if their membership has unlimited guest passes, then both of us can benefit from my membership. I’d love to get in shape for the upcoming AIDS walk in October. The gym gives you unlimited use of their hydromassage and massage chairs and those are something I really could use because I am in agony every day. That would be a real big help.

Let’s see how things go from here. Until next time…

PTSD Flashbacks

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PTSD is a bitch, and frankly I’m so sick of the flashbacks. I normally have at least 20 if not more flashbacks throughout the day from my childhood, but today I started my morning with a flashback from age 19. I went straight from dream, which I can’t even remember, to waking up and immediately my brain decided to remind me of something that happened when I was 19.

I was working at a place in Lancaster, Ca called “The Los Angeles Child Abuse Prevention Society” and we were phone solicitors. We would call people from the phone book and basically beg for $30 or more. I was their top solicitor, although I was living in a motel and was eating rice and baked potatoes for all of my meals.

The main office recalled them back to Los Angeles and they thought I was a huge asset to the company and they wanted me to come with them. They withheld my final paycheck in order to pay for my motel bill for the first week. So since they didn’t give me any money, I had no money to buy food.

The first night we were in Los Angeles, we went to this restaurant that looked like a train car. We were standing in front of the cash registers with the menus, it was a fast food burger joint. I was ordering a burger, fries and a drink. No big deal, right? I mean, what else was I supposed to eat? Dirt? My boss grabbed a huge chunk of my hair and pulled my head back and asked if I was sure I wanted that and I said yes. I was kind of laughing because I thought he was having fun with me, but knowing his history, I should have known better. He was abusive to his girlfriend, and he was a big jerk, but he was always nice to me.

We got our food and he paid for it and we all went to the tables on the deck outside. My boss beat the crap out of my manager/roommate, and I wasn’t sure why. After we finished eating we got back in the car. My manager/roommate and I were in the back seat, and my boss got in the driver’s seat and I was sitting behind him. He reached back and started punching me in the face. I was totally not expecting that to happen. It was a huge shock to me. They drove us to our motel and the passenger door opened and we were told to get the hell out of the car as fast as we could. It was a 2-door, so you had to pull the seat forward so the people in the back could get out, but of course she didn’t pull her seat forward, so we had to squeeze through.

When I applied for that job, it was because of their name. “The Los Angeles Child Abuse Prevention Society.” What gives? I mean, why would they have that name, and then give the boss title to some asshole who beats his girlfriend and beats people up for being hungry?

That wasn’t the best way to start my day, but you know what? I’ve had much worse memories when I first wake up, so I think I’ll be able to manage.

Forgiveness

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“Forgiveness is the intentional and voluntary process by which a victim undergoes a change in feelings and attitude regarding an offense, lets go of negative emotions such as vengefulness, with an increased ability to wish the offender well.”

Someone once told me to forgive people for all that they have done to me in my “past” because holding onto that anger doesn’t do anyone any good. But I refused to because I thought that if I held onto the anger, I would be able to fight for the battle against child abuse. What have I done to fight child abuse besides write a book and posting a few articles over the last few years on Facebook and Twitter? Not much. Sharing articles isn’t fighting, but it is opening people’s eyes about the issue and starting a conversation, and that’s exactly what I did when I wrote my book. I let people know what happened to me so they could take action when they saw it happening to someone they knew.

I recently had a dream that I was forced to live with my step father and sisters. They all hated me for writing my book, and frankly I was afraid of living with them because I was afraid of how they would treat me. My sister continued to hate me until I woke up, but my step father hugged me and told me that he forgave me, and I told him that I forgave him as well. The words and the emotions finally came out after all these years, and it was only a dream. Usually when people have a dream like that, they wake up and continue being angry, but you know what? It made me realize that I’m wasting what little time I may have in this life. I woke up and still forgave him.

Since that dream I’ve had a couple more dreams and my step father and I would hug and we would say I love you to each other. That feels good, because I do love him. I hated him for what he did to me, but I still loved him. Most of the dreams that I’ve had about him were all nightmares, but now the dreams are good dreams and I love that.

Here is a “It Gets Better” quote in my book about homophobia.

“There will always be homophobia, but you don’t have to accept that. That is when it gets better. When you can pick and choose who you want to associate with, that is when it gets better. You have to be strong and change your attitude about how you perceive the world. If you let the homophobes get to you, then life is going to be rough. If you decide that they have no impact on your life, then it gets better.”

It was right under my nose the entire time. If it were a snake it would’ve bit me. If I forgive people, then IT GETS BETTER! There it is. Why didn’t I see it until this very moment as I type this? I get it now, which is why I have forgiven everyone.

I forgive my mother for marrying him, even though she knew he was abusive. I forgive her for everything.

I forgive my step father for all the mental and physical abuse. There is no excuse, but I forgive him. I don’t care if he knows it or not because this forgiveness isn’t for him, it’s for me.

I forgive my sister for calling me a bastard child when we lived in Van Nuys. I forgive her for calling me a mother fu*ker when we lived in Bakersfield. I forgive her for accidentally breaking that lamp, then blaming it on me, then breaking things just to get me in trouble, then laugh her ass off while I was getting beat for it. That hurt me more mentally than physically, and the scars are deep, but I forgive her. I forgive her for telling me that I was going to hell when she found out I was gay, and she continued telling me that over and over practically on a loop. I forgave her when she apologized to me for that ONE thing, but I will forgive her again.

Hmmm, there were more apologies for my sister, but you know that’s ok because I forgive everyone. My life does not have to revolve around being mad at people for what they did or said to me. My sister says I am playing a victim, but I consider myself more a survivor. It doesn’t matter what she or anyone else thinks, all that matters is what I think. I mean, I am self absorbed after all lol.

So what I would suggest to anyone who is having a hard time in their life is to just find it in your heart to forgive them, not for their benefit, but for your benefit. They don’t even have to know you forgave them. Give yourself peace of mind because you don’t deserve to live in the prison that they put you in, or in my case, the prison I put myself in. The prison of course is the one you created in your mind. I have unlocked my cell, and it is about damn time.

Set yourself free and just let it go because it doesn’t do you or anyone else any good. My friend Alyce told me that, and I didn’t listen, but I get it now. It is better.