Writing “Diary of a Gay Nerd” helped me to release some, if not most of the horrible memories of my life, but it didn’t make them go away. The memories still haunt me. I feel so alone sometimes, especially when people tell me to just get over it. I’ve heard “Just get over it.” and “Stop living in the past.” Look, I spend most of my time living in the present and even looking forward to the future, but the past keeps creeping up on me and pulling me back. It’s not something I can control no matter how hard I try, and believe me, I have tried.
PTSD and Depression are a very real thing. You can suffer something traumatic and suffer through depression for a year, or perhaps it may take 10 years, maybe 20 or the rest of your life. I knew a woman who died in her 80’s and she was depressed her entire adult life after the death of her daughter. Depression doesn’t have a time limit. The only people who think that there is a time limit are people who have never been through something so traumatic that it put them into a deep depression.
I’ve tried talking with my family about the memories when I was younger, but all they did was talk about how funny the memories were for them. Like when I was 19 or 20 and my parents lived in Quartz Hill. We were talking about something that happened when I was 12 or 13 and my sister FINALLY admitted to purposefully getting me into trouble, and then laughing her ass off when I was getting the shit beat out of me for it. I knew then I couldn’t talk to my family without them finding it funny. It may have been funny to my sister to get me in trouble and then laugh while I was paying the price, but it was not funny to me then, it wasn’t funny at age 19 or 20, and it’s still not funny at age 44. In fact, as far as I am concerned, it will never be funny. The only thing my sister taught me was that I can never open up to her and talk about my feelings, because all she did was made fun of me.
I cry every now and then to let all the pain out and then I am good to go. Just like the picture says, “You can’t be strong all the time. Sometimes you just need to be alone and let your tears out.” You have to let all of your negative feelings out and you have to cry because if you don’t, if you just bottle all of your emotions every time, that bottle will get full and just like a Mentos being dropped into a bottle of Coca Cola, your emotions will burst out of the bottle like a rocket. Don’t let it get that far, just talk to someone and let out some of your emotions.
Do what I do, write a book, or write a blog. Even if no one reads it, it still lets some of those negative emotions out and releases the tension. If someone does read it, and they respond telling you they know how you feel, then you know you are not alone. And speaking of which, if you are reading this, just know that you are NOT alone. I am ALWAYS here if you need to talk.