I Found My Father and Brother

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Ancestry

I don’t know why I forgot to blog about this here, but I’ve been blogging about it on my other blog over at Xanapus.com.

So… I finally found my paternal father. Well, I should clarify that I discovered who he was before he passed away. I’ve been trying to find him since my mother told me about him on my 15th birthday, but there was no way I would be able to find another person at such a young age without today’s technology.

Like I said, my mother told me about my father on my 15th birthday. She gave me a name, but she also gave me a lot of story that didn’t really make sense, but I believed her at the time because I was always taught that parents never lie, they always tell the truth and you should listen to them no matter what.

So here’s the story she told me. She said that my father (step father) wasn’t my actual father, which I always knew, and that I have a biological father and she gave me his name and told me that they were in love and that she was still in love with him, despite being married to my step father, and that he was there throughout her pregnancy and he was there until I was 1 month of age, then he had to go to Germany in the army. The Berlin wall was still up at that point, and she told me that Germany was divided by east and west and that he must’ve gotten stuck on the wrong side of the wall, because he never came home. Does anyone have a violin?

The real story is that he was married to another woman in Germany and he was there by choice. His mother lived in Reseda here in California which is where he met my mother, and I don’t know exactly how they met, I don’t know anything about their relationship, but he basically did the deed with my mother, and here I am.

I just so happen to have a learning disability and I have trouble remembering names if I only hear them once, so when she told me his name, she also told me a bunch of other information, and I was too embarrassed to admit to her that I had already forgotten his last name before she even finished telling me the story.  I asked her in 1990 if she would tell me his name again because now that I was 19 years old, almost 20, I wanted to start looking for him again. She told me “no, absolutely not, because I’m afraid you will find him, and then I will leave your father (step) for him.” So um… how would that work if he was married to someone else? My mother died in 1993, and she took his name with her to the grave.

So fast forward to late 2001 when I got back in touch with my aunt and I asked her if she knew my paternal father’s last name and she knew it, but she didn’t know the correct spelling. She told me how she thought it was spelled, and since I had the internet, I could start my search and find him. Well, I searched every year. I searched the search engines for his name and found there were variations of his last name, and I searched for every variation. I always came up empty, so I would give up for another time. Some years I would check every month, some years I would check every few months, but as the years went on I would search less and less until I was dedicating only a day to searching for the entire year.

Now that there are things like 23andMe and AncestryDNA, I decided to do a DNA test because I figured that might help me. I actually did the 23andMe because I thought it was the most popular one. Nothing. It told me I had 1018 2nd, 3rd, 4th, 5th and distant cousins, and only 2 of those cousins would even talk to me. One of them told me to check Ancestry for military records, which I did, but I couldn’t find anything. I searched in vein because they don’t have any military records, but I kept searching and then decided to do AncestryDNA. But after a few more tries through Ancestry records I actually narrowed it down to one guy with my paternal father’s name with the age I thought he would be and I was 99% sure that was him, and I was right. I found a record saying he had a son and I went searching for him. I was determined to find my brother. I tried searching for him through Ancestry, but nothing came up, so I went to Google and a website called MyLife gave me an email address for the low low price of $15, which I gladly paid even if it wasn’t him. I emailed him and it was in fact him.

My father is unfortunately deceased, but my brother is alive and he lives in Germany. He is 2 1/2 years older than me, and we have so many traits in common that you can’t even deny that we are brothers. We talked on Facebook for the first couple of days, then we video chatted on Skype and we will basically video chat on Skype on Saturdays. It’s just easier for him.

I was fully expecting to be told that our father made a mistake and that I was a mistake and that I shouldn’t contact him because I don’t matter, and I even told him I felt like I was a mistake, but he told me that I’m not a mistake and that he is glad I found him because he often wished he had a brother. I always wished I had a brother, and now I do have a brother and I couldn’t be happier.

The last couple of days I’ve had the most anxiety I’ve ever had because I knew the time would come when I would have to come out of the closet to him, because eventually people ask if you are married, if you have children or what the deal is, and I was terrified that after all this time searching and he didn’t reject me for being a mistake, he has to reject me for this, and I was just so scared because I just found him, I can’t lose him now. Not like this. I can’t let something like this kill our newborn relationship, because, I already love him so much. I’m actually crying right now.

Well, I told him and he didn’t even flinch. It didn’t even phase him one single bit. He didn’t care! Do you know how wonderful that is to know that someone doesn’t judge me for something as simple as being gay? I’ve been rejected by nearly everyone when they found out I was gay. I was homeless because I was gay, twice. I’ve had to quit jobs after I came out of the closet to co-workers because suddenly I was like a cancer to them. And my brother didn’t even care. I couldn’t be happier about it.

I don’t know what’s next, but I am learning to speak German with Duolingo and I hope to visit him in Germany one of these days if I can ever get my credit cards down to a decent amount so I can afford to go. I’m sure when that day comes I will be fully fluent in German. Who knows for sure what might happen next, but I just know I am the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. I was worried that I would die with unfinished business and I would be stuck haunting people until I found the ghost of my father, but I actually have closure. I finally have closure.

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23andMe Spit ‘n’ Ship

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I am BEYOND excited right now. Today I received my 23andMe package. I didn’t want to mess any of it up, so I read all the directions, as a person should, and I did exactly what it told me to do. The first thing was that I wasn’t supposed to start spitting into the tube until 30 minutes after I had my last meal, drink or brushed my teeth. So I ate lunch, drank the last of my coffee, brushed my teeth thoroughly, then I set the timer on my phone for 30 minutes, then I started spitting in the tube lol.

Of course, during this 30 minute waiting period I was signing up for their website 23andMe.com and agreeing to everything, filling out all my deets, and of course they wanted to ask me a lot of health questions. I believe I answered 160 questions. After I had spit in the tube and closed it up, I packaged it up and rode my bicycle to the post office and dropped it off. I took a picture of the tracking number on the package so I could track it, and you know I will be obsessively tracking it lol.

I’m not entirely sure how long it will take for my results to come from the minute they receive my package though. I mean, how many of these packages do they receive in a month? It’s very popular right now, so it could very well take 2 or 3 months before I even get anything. I’ve waited since first learning about my paternal father in 1985, so I’ve waited this long, what’s another 2 or 3 months eh?

Not only will I obsessively check the tracking to see when it will arrive at its destination, but I will obsessively check the 23andMe.com website for my results. I will also continue answering as many questions as they need to ask me so my results come back as accurate as possible. Just by answering 160 questions, they said I have responded to more questions than about 45% of people who used one of these kits, so I’m doing pretty good I think.

I made the first part of my video, and I had to cut it short because I was getting choked up just thinking about finally finding my paternal father and possible siblings. When I get the results, I will film my reaction and probably finish the video. Unless of course they find relatives that are actually in the U.S., then I will probably get a train ticket and go see them, then I will continue filming my trip and actually meeting them.

To be continued…

I bought 23 and Me

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A couple of weeks ago I received an email from 23andMe with a free shipping offer. I didn’t buy it because I was waiting for the better offer. I believe a week ago during Amazon Prime Days they had the 23andMe + Health that is normally $200 on sale for $100, but I didn’t buy that because I don’t need to know my health, I just want to find my family. If I find my family and they have health concerns, they will let me know. Also, I think in order to participate in Amazon Prime Days, I would probably need to have Amazon Prime, so I would end up paying $200 anyway, and I just don’t have that kind of money.

Today I was looking on Instagram and I found an ad from 23andMe that said they have a 30% off sale going on right now for summer, and I thought this is it, this is the sale I was waiting for. I highly doubt they are going to offer it for 50% off, so I’m just going to bite the bullet on THIS sale while I can. The price is normally $99, but I got it for $69 plus $9.95 shipping.

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I’m saving $20.05 by using this offer, and I’m sure people will say that’s not a lot of money to save, but it is to me. I don’t have the money to spend, so I had to put it on credit, which I did not want to do, but I really want to find my family.

My mother told me about my real father in 1985 on my 15th birthday, but she didn’t give me much to go on. When I was 19 years old I asked her for more information so I could look for him, but she refused to offer me any help. After she took this information with her to the grave, I thought my search was over. In the mid 90’s I sent his picture to a missing person’s tv show called Unsolved Mysteries, but they rejected me because I had no information. I didn’t have his name and I didn’t have his social security number. So them telling me this made me realize I will never find my real father. In 2001 I finally got back in touch with my aunt from Simi Valley and she gave me some hope with some new information, but it still wasn’t much to go on.

Seeing an article about a woman who found her mother after almost a lifetime because of a service like 23andMe gave me actual hope that maybe I might find my real father, and if not him, at least siblings. So, here I am today, with actual hope that my saliva could possibly help me fill that void in my heart and soul that I might actually find what I’ve been missing for 48 years. And yes, I say 48 years because I always knew my step father wasn’t my real father. The day my mother told me that my “father” wasn’t my real father, I already knew he wasn’t my real father. I had hoped for all those years that he wasn’t my real father because I knew my real father wouldn’t have hated me as much as my step father did. I also knew I wouldn’t have hated him as much as if he were my real father. You just know, you know?

So I don’t know how long this will take to receive this DNA test kit, but when I do receive it, I will film it and wait for my results to put on YouTube.

23 And Me

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My life partner sent me this article last night about a 79 year old woman who took a DNA test and found her brother who then told her that her 100 year old mother was still alive.

Adopted woman, 79, meets her 100-year-old biological mom for the first time, after believing she was dead but then finding out she lives just 70 MILES away

It got me thinking, I’ve been searching for my father, but because I only had a picture and no name or social security number to go by, I really didn’t have any information to actually look for him, so I gave up. I found a picture of a man who looked like the guy in the picture that I have, but that was an obituary picture and he was much older, because obviously time has passed lol.

Anyhoo, I was thinking, what if I bought one of these DNA kits from 23 and Me that can show me if I have any living relatives that I didn’t know about? I think it is worth checking out. I will obviously have to put it on a credit card because I don’t have money, but I think I want to do it.

If I do do it, I will record video of myself through every step and put it on YouTube. It will take months of waiting for me to complete this video because first I’ll have to buy the kit on the website and it might take a week to get here, maybe a couple of days, but then it could take 4 to 6 weeks to get my results via email. But I’ve waited my whole life, what’s another 2 months eh?

I am excited and nervous at the same time. I’m excited for obvious reasons, I want to know if I have any siblings out there, and if I do, do they look like me? Or do I look like them? I’m nervous because I have many things in my life that I have been rejected by family and friends for already. My step father rejected me by telling me he wishes they would put all the, and I quote “faggots on and island and shoot them” when I was 13 years old. My mother even called me a faggot when she confronted me about being gay and told me I was going to hell. My older sister told me I was going to hell for being gay. I’ve had to quit jobs after coming out of the closet to people, and I’ve lost friends when they found out.

Other factors are the fact that I was diagnosed with HIV in 1991, and then diagnosed with AIDS in 1994. When I was diagnosed with AIDS I was advised by the doctor of the hospital to just go apply for disability because you can’t work now. Disability gives me medical insurance which helps with doctor visits since I have to see a doctor several times a year, and it pays for my HIV meds. Without medication, I will die. It’s literally the only reason I’m still alive today. I was dead in the water in 2000 when I had 50 t-cells, then the doctor at the clinic I go to now changed my meds and, well, I’m still alive.

My aunt who used to live in Simi Valley made it crystal clear to me when I visited her recently in her new home in Oregon that under no circumstances am I allowed to have a political opinion because she worked her whole life, she earned it. I skated through life on disability, so I did not earn the right to even have an opinion on anything, especially if it’s not the same opinion as hers. Basically, what I’m saying is what if they reject me for political reasons? I’m a liberal democrat, what if they are all conservative republicans and all they want to do is yell at me like my aunt?

And finally, what if I am the subject of ridicule because of the circumstances for which I was given life? My mother basically slept with a married man. The way my aunt tells the story, he was separated from his wife, and so they were in a relationship. I mean, she left that part out when she told me about him before I wrote my book, but still, what if they reject me for the very fact that my mother slept with and got pregnant by a married man? I have no judgement toward her for getting pregnant by a married man, but other people might, especially if my mother is the reason my real father and his wife were separated. They might take their anger out on me.

What if I do find my family and they don’t care about any of that and they welcome me into their family with open arms and they actually love me? That’s the dream right there. That’s the fantasy I’ve had my entire life. Finding my real father and he’s still alive and he wants me in his life and he loves me unconditionally.

I think negative about the whole thing because that’s how I’ve had to think my entire life. Expect the worst, but hope for the best. If it turns out bad then at least I tried, but if it turns out good, then at least I tried and it worked out.

I will start recording myself the day I decide to buy the DNA kit on their website and I will record myself along the way. The video isn’t going to be as exciting or good quality, but I work with what I have.

To be continued…

Family is not about blood

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They say blood is thicker than water. Well, if that is true, why are so many parents kicking their LGBT children out of the house? Why are so many siblings burning their bridges over something trivial? Blood may be thicker than water, but you don’t have to be blood related to be family.

I was homeless when I was 15 and again when I was 17, and neither time was by choice. No one chooses to be homeless. There are children on the streets because their family gave up on them when they came out of the closet. Children are selling their bodies for sex so they can eat and have a roof over their heads. They are getting hooked on drugs, being raped and in most cases getting murdered because they are LGBT. Why is that, because they were gay? No, because their BLOOD tossed them into the streets to fend for themselves. Some are killing themselves because of the rejection.

Trust me when I say that blood is not thicker than water. Not just anyone can be your family, but that all depends on who YOU consider to be family. I have friends who I consider family more than my sisters and one cousin. I have a friend from when we lived in Van Nuys who I haven’t seen since 1981, but we are Facebook friends and I consider him more of a brother than I ever considered either of my sisters and my cousin. I have friends here in the Bakersfield gay community who I consider family. There is a family who just recently moved to Arizona who I barely got to know, and I consider them family more than my sisters and my cousin.

So just know that if you treat your own blood like crap, you may think that you are not replaceable, but trust me honey, you are. You need them more than they need you, so don’t treat your gay children, siblings or cousins like crap. If you never hear from them again, maybe think next time before you tell them they are going to hell, or in my cousins case, think before you tell them that you are voting for Prop 8 because he doesn’t think your relationship is worth a piece of paper.