A sad child abuse story that was shared with me

Standard

Occasionally people will send me an email telling me their story in hopes of either getting it out there, or asking for help in coping with what happened to them. I think this is one of the stories that I was meant to share. The person who wrote this must have had a really difficult time typing it out, they must’ve also really had a very difficult life. I am very sorry that this happened to you and I hope that you are in a good place today. Here’s their story…

As early as I can remember, I think I was about 10 years old and it was night and I was asleep. I felt the covers being pulled off of me.  I woke up to my step father standing in my room naked and his hands between my thighs saying there had been a fly there. Bullshit (I can say that now but back then I was just awoken and didn’t know what was going on). I was about to scream and he said if I did, he’d hurt me. My mom was asleep in the next bedroom and I didn’t know any better… I should have done it.. who knows what was going through my mind. So from age 10 till 16, I was mentally, physically, and emotionally abused by my step-dad. He used to say “If you love me you, do this.. or If you tell anyone I will kill you.”

I ran away several times. I even walked to the police station once but got terrified of what might happen to me as a child and ran home. My mom found out when I was 13 and made him swear to never touch me again, HA on a bible at that. You know what it did stop for a while till we moved into a new house then he started his old ways right back up. I remember tearing up notes saying I was home sick that mom had left him. And spending the day in the closet till my mom came home hiding. Sometimes he would realize I was there though. :/ And when my mom had to work late shifts I begged her to take me with her. I didn’t want to stay home.:(

Listen kids if someone is hurting you go tell someone safe. Someone you trust… It makes me sick that I didn’t. I turned him in finally to the police. But the charges were dropped cause no one bothered to notify me to show up in court. I should’ve gotten a lawyer but I was young and had no one by me but my husband then and he still is to this very day.It hurts me so much. I wish I had someone there to talk to me about what was right and wrong. I was young and believed the things I was told about being killed or hurt.

This took a lot for me to write up and share as I’ve told little to few people in my life at all.  But I wanted to share this in hopes this helps someone to go tell and not wait. If you need a safe house the police will provide one for you. Take care of yourself and your body it is yours and no one else’s. And if the person truly loves you they wont hurt you in such a way. And you can tell them so too. If you love me you’ll stop this instead of if I love you I’ll do this.

Yelling Rape isn’t a joke either and should never be taken lightly… You never know who around you is going through what you are joking about.

-R

If you would like to share some words of encouragement, please respond in the comments.

Adele’s “Massager” (Book Excerpt for Mature Audiences)

Standard

Of all of my childhood memories, this has to be one of those things that has just made me laugh every time I think about it.  I may have been 13 years old during this time, but this is a mature subject so use your discretion.  Oh and this isn’t the actual “massager” but it is very similar.  Same color and same shape.

The apartment building that we lived in had four duplicate buildings. Ours was right on the corner so there were five in a row. My mom had a friend named Adele who was an older woman in her 80’s who lived with her husband and her niece and their sixty cats (I kid you not). I don’t know how my mom became friends with Adele considering they lived in the last apartment building so far away from us.

Adele was always calling to ask if I would come over and take her trash out for her. She would pay me $10 as a tip for helping her, so I really didn’t mind. Sometimes she had a lot of trash and then she would give me $20. It wouldn’t have been so bad, but it was mostly all cat litter and that stuff was heavy. I usually had to make two or three trips to get the rest. It made it particularly difficult because she lived on the third floor and I had to take the stairs because the elevator was too far away from her apartment.

I was over at her house one day and as she was gathering her garbage for me to take out. She grabbed something very strange, it was long and beige in color and had a curve at the tip. It had a little switch on the bottom that you turned and it would vibrate. She held this strange object up and showed it to me and told me how she uses it to vibrate the stiff muscles in her arms and she held it up to her face to massage her cheek. I was only thirteen, but I knew what a vibrator was, I wasn’t stupid. I don’t know how I knew what it was, but I did. As she was showing it to me she said “it’s in the darnedest shape though.” …yeah.

I went home and told my mom how Adele showed me her vibrator and she was laughing so hard that she was crying. Her laughing made me laugh. She didn’t know that I knew what a vibrator was, so hearing her thirteen-year-old kid say that so matter of fact made it even funnier.

We lived in the first apartment building on the left (black dot) and Adele lived towards the end, but I can’t remember if she lived in the 4th or 5th.  I’m pretty sure it was the 4th though.

Happy Mother’s Day

Standard

Today is the day that we thank our mothers for giving birth and raising us.  To me, Mother’s Day is a day when I try to forgive her for all of the nasty things she did and said to me merely for being born different.  I want to only remember the good times we had before she passed away.

My mother and I weren’t always the best of friends, but she was my mother and I will always love her and I will never forget the great times we shared together.

The picture above is the last picture that I was lucky enough to have taken with her before she died a few months later.  My boyfriend at the time (K.J. in the book) was there, this was the day that my parents met him.  I was so blessed that my mother finally accepted me for being gay and was equally blessed that she accepted my boyfriend.

I love you mom.  I hope you are in a good place :D.

 

“V” (Book Excerpt)

Standard

V was a show that originally aired in 1983, but we didn’t see it until NBC re-aired the mini series in 1984 before they aired the new weekly series.  This show is what gave me my  relationship with my mother, even if it was only for one hour a week.  Here is an excerpt from my book “Diary of a Gay Nerd: Life After Child Abuse, It Gets Better.”

“This one show came on TV which was a mini series called V about these aliens who came to earth to get help, but they really wanted to help themselves to humans. I thought that was really cool. It lasted for a few days and then it turned into a weekly TV show. My aunt didn’t want to watch it, but my mom and I liked it so we would watch it together in her room. My mother and I weren’t friendly with each other; we were always fighting because I was always being accused of doing things that I didn’t do and this show brought us together every week. I would lay down on her bed with her and watch TV and it made me feel closer to her.

“It was funny that everyone in the house was refusing to watch V because they thought it was cheesy, but they would sit and watch Dynasty, as if that wasn’t cheesy. I think that was what made V more special for me because the one person I wanted to get along with actually wanted to watch it with me. It became our thing.

“I had trouble reading and comprehending books so it was very rare that you would ever see me read. Whenever I would try to read my school books, I would forget what I was reading almost immediately. It was like the memory of the words were disappearing just as fast as I could read them, so I didn’t think I could read a novel. My mother, Aunt Sherri and sister Sarah were always reading novels by V.C. Andrews and Stephen King and I envied them all because I really wanted to read too, but I knew I wouldn’t be able to.

“We were at the grocery store and I saw the novel for V written by A.C. Crispin. I asked my mom if she would buy it for me and she gave me a look as if to say that I wasn’t smart enough, but she humored me and bought it for me anyway. I was so happy because I remember being told “the book is better than the movie” about everything and I figured if I could read the book, then I would get a better understanding of the show. Not that I needed a better understanding, I just wanted to get more out of it.

“I tried to read the V novel. I think I read half of the book and then stopped reading it because my brain just couldn’t handle it. I wanted to keep trying to read it because I really loved that show. I liked to read it because I had the image of every actor in the show in my head. My favorite part in the book was also in the mini series when Diana was eating a guinea pig and her jaw unhinged while Mike Donovan was in the air shaft watching her. I even had the bad special effect images of her jaw unhinging in my head and that made me laugh.

“Every so often, I would get the book out and try to go back to where I left off, but when I started reading, I would forget what I had already read before that. I think I read that book from the beginning about five or six times, but I never got past the middle.”

I talked about a scene where Diana unhinged her jaw, well, I mean did she really have a jaw to unhinge?  She was a lizard.  Anyway, here is a visual of what I was talking about.

httpvh://www.youtube.com/watch?v=VObQfWMgmIM

I was so beyond thrilled when ABC brought “V” back as a reboot.  Although the story was the same, everything was different.  I’ve seen the original many times so I wasn’t really looking for an exact duplicate so I was happy that they gave it a whole new spin.  Not everyone felt the same way and so the show didn’t last very long.

When the second season came and I heard that Jane Badler was going to be in it, I had to follow her on Twitter so I could see what she was saying about the show.  I tweeted her to show my enthusiasm for the show and she actually tweeted me back.  She has actually tweeted me back on several occasions.  That is the coolest thing about Twitter.

Unfortunately the show came to an end and Diana was killed by Anna.  Nobody has any idea how bad that made me feel.  I know it’s just a show, but that show represented something for me.  It represented my mother and I getting along for one hour a week and seeing Diana get killed like that seemed to finalize everything for me.

I will always have the memory of Diana in the original V and I will never forget her for her change in attitude in the new series.  She was a villain in the 80’s, but she became my queen in 2011.  I will never forget her.  Long live the queen!

OK that just sounded cheesy lol.