PTSD Flashbacks


PTSD is a bitch, and frankly I’m so sick of the flashbacks. I normally have at least 20 if not more flashbacks throughout the day from my childhood, but today I started my morning with a flashback from age 19. I went straight from dream, which I can’t even remember, to waking up and immediately my brain decided to remind me of something that happened when I was 19.

I was working at a place in Lancaster, Ca called “The Los Angeles Child Abuse Prevention Society” and we were phone solicitors. We would call people from the phone book and basically beg for $30 or more. I was their top solicitor, although I was living in a motel and was eating rice and baked potatoes for all of my meals.

The main office recalled them back to Los Angeles and they thought I was a huge asset to the company and they wanted me to come with them. They withheld my final paycheck in order to pay for my motel bill for the first week. So since they didn’t give me any money, I had no money to buy food.

The first night we were in Los Angeles, we went to this restaurant that looked like a train car. We were standing in front of the cash registers with the menus, it was a fast food burger joint. I was ordering a burger, fries and a drink. No big deal, right? I mean, what else was I supposed to eat? Dirt? My boss grabbed a huge chunk of my hair and pulled my head back and asked if I was sure I wanted that and I said yes. I was kind of laughing because I thought he was having fun with me, but knowing his history, I should have known better. He was abusive to his girlfriend, and he was a big jerk, but he was always nice to me.

We got our food and he paid for it and we all went to the tables on the deck outside. My boss beat the crap out of my manager/roommate, and I wasn’t sure why. After we finished eating we got back in the car. My manager/roommate and I were in the back seat, and my boss got in the driver’s seat and I was sitting behind him. He reached back and started punching me in the face. I was totally not expecting that to happen. It was a huge shock to me. They drove us to our motel and the passenger door opened and we were told to get the hell out of the car as fast as we could. It was a 2-door, so you had to pull the seat forward so the people in the back could get out, but of course she didn’t pull her seat forward, so we had to squeeze through.

When I applied for that job, it was because of their name. “The Los Angeles Child Abuse Prevention Society.” What gives? I mean, why would they have that name, and then give the boss title to some asshole who beats his girlfriend and beats people up for being hungry?

That wasn’t the best way to start my day, but you know what? I’ve had much worse memories when I first wake up, so I think I’ll be able to manage.