When I published my book at the beginning of February, I told the vice president of the Bakersfield chapter of PFLAG that I was going to be donating some of the profits to their organization. I was asked if I wanted to promote the book by speaking at a PFLAG meeting and I was hesitant because I am barely good with one person, but a whole room full of people? I wanted to do it, but at the same time I knew that I would end up forgetting everything I wanted to say and my whole body would begin to shake.
Last night was the night that I was supposed to do it. Before I got up there I had already started sweating, particularly on the top of my bald head. When I did go up, my whole body started to shake and I basically blacked out. All of the blood in my whole body rushed up to my head and my vision became dark so I could barely see anyone. I was looking at people in the front two rows trying to see, but I was having difficulty.
I wrote a little 30 second script that I had memorized, and as soon as I got up there I forgot everything that I was going to say so I had to make it up as I went. That can be very dangerous because when I make things up as I go, I’m not thinking about what I’m saying, the words just get blurted out without any editing so anything could come out. I have nervous tourettes so I was lucky I didn’t start shouting obscenities.
I am a keyboard warrior. I spend 16 hours a day looking at Twitter, Facebook and Google+ searching and reading articles about LGBT and equal rights issues, transgendered issues, It Gets Better stories and videos and signing petitions. I want to learn about what the politicians are doing and why they are doing it, but mainly I want to make other people aware of the issues which is why I post a lot of things on my Facebook wall, Twitter not so much but I’m working on it.
My point is, I can sit at the computer for 16 hours a day chatting with people I don’t know and not break a sweat, but I have zero social skills when it comes to standing in front of a crowd, or heck, even standing in front of one person.
I think the reason I am so shy is because I have been wronged in public by so many people, that I have just crawled into my own dark hole and refuse to exist in the world with humanity. I don’t want to be this way, but that is my reality. I would like to leave the house more often which is why I started getting involved with the gay community here in Bakersfield, because I want to get out there and do something positive.
One of the things I would like to do is get down to the Gay and Lesbian center and just sit at a table and play games with people. I think that will get me out of the house and it will put me in front of actual human beings and not a screen. Maybe I can build from there and work my way back to a crowd of people I know instead of strangers. Perhaps that will help me build better social skills.
Here are some embarrassing pictures of me at the PFLAG meeting that Chip took on his iPhone 4S (yes I had to include that he has Siri lol). I knew I was big, but I didn’t know to what extent. I need to either start wearing prints, plaid in particular, or go on a crash diet, well, I am supposed to be doing that anyway to lose weight, maybe these pictures will be my motivation.
Believe it or not, I have BDD which is Body Dysmorphic Disorder, although I’d like to take the disorder out and call it Body Dysmorphia. Even though I have BD(D) and I hate the way I look and I would never post pictures of myself like this any other time, I have come to realize that when people see me at the grocery store, they see me as I am, so posting a horrible picture here doesn’t make any difference than those people looking at me standing in front of them. It’s basically the same thing, right? So there are the pictures. They are small BECAUSE of my BD LOL.
I was told last night that I needed to come out of my shell, I want to so I am working on it.
Diary of a Gay Nerd 
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