A sad child abuse story that was shared with me

Occasionally people will send me an email telling me their story in hopes of either getting it out there, or asking for help in coping with what happened to them. I think this is one of the stories that I was meant to share. The person who wrote this must have had a really difficult time typing it out, they must’ve also really had a very difficult life. I am very sorry that this happened to you and I hope that you are in a good place today. Here’s their story…

As early as I can remember, I think I was about 10 years old and it was night and I was asleep. I felt the covers being pulled off of me.  I woke up to my step father standing in my room naked and his hands between my thighs saying there had been a fly there. Bullshit (I can say that now but back then I was just awoken and didn’t know what was going on). I was about to scream and he said if I did, he’d hurt me. My mom was asleep in the next bedroom and I didn’t know any better… I should have done it.. who knows what was going through my mind. So from age 10 till 16, I was mentally, physically, and emotionally abused by my step-dad. He used to say “If you love me you, do this.. or If you tell anyone I will kill you.”

I ran away several times. I even walked to the police station once but got terrified of what might happen to me as a child and ran home. My mom found out when I was 13 and made him swear to never touch me again, HA on a bible at that. You know what it did stop for a while till we moved into a new house then he started his old ways right back up. I remember tearing up notes saying I was home sick that mom had left him. And spending the day in the closet till my mom came home hiding. Sometimes he would realize I was there though. And when my mom had to work late shifts I begged her to take me with her. I didn’t want to stay home.:(

Listen kids if someone is hurting you go tell someone safe. Someone you trust… It makes me sick that I didn’t. I turned him in finally to the police. But the charges were dropped cause no one bothered to notify me to show up in court. I should’ve gotten a lawyer but I was young and had no one by me but my husband then and he still is to this very day.It hurts me so much. I wish I had someone there to talk to me about what was right and wrong. I was young and believed the things I was told about being killed or hurt.

This took a lot for me to write up and share as I’ve told little to few people in my life at all.  But I wanted to share this in hopes this helps someone to go tell and not wait. If you need a safe house the police will provide one for you. Take care of yourself and your body it is yours and no one else’s. And if the person truly loves you they wont hurt you in such a way. And you can tell them so too. If you love me you’ll stop this instead of if I love you I’ll do this.

Yelling Rape isn’t a joke either and should never be taken lightly… You never know who around you is going through what you are joking about.

-R

If you would like to share some words of encouragement, please respond in the comments.

Pedophilia is not something to joke about

I know that pedophilia is not a new issue, it has been happening probably since the dawn of time, but it has always been something that has been hidden in the shadows because people know it’s wrong.  Nobody proudly says they molest children out of fear of getting arrested.  To me it is not something that I want to A) hear about and B) see people joking about.  It’s not funny.

As I was going about my day of the usual scrolling on the Facebook home page to look at who is posting what, I came across one post from a page called “United Against RIP Trolls and Cyberbullies” asking people to report a page called “Damon the pedophile canadian.”  Without hesitation I clicked the page and read the page description and looked through some of the posts.  The description says it’s comedy and that the page owner is not a real pedophile, but I honestly don’t see anything funny about that.  I was not amused.

Naturally I wanted to report the page.  I clicked the option “I just don’t like it” and it gave me the opportunity to message the admin to ask them to remove the page.  Of course I misunderstood that and checked it and typed out a little message.  I didn’t read where it said I was messaging them, I just (again without hesitation) clicked the check box and hit continue.  Within a minute, literally a minute lol, I got a message back from the page.  Here is the email.

I wasn’t expecting to get a response because I thought I was typing that to the Facebook admin, but in a way I am glad that the email got sent to him (assuming the page owner is a male)  and that he knew that someone out there was unhappy about his page.

I didn’t go into any detail about what happened to me in that regard, but I shouldn’t have to.  All he needs to know is that his page is upsetting to people like me.  Although, I was never actually molested, it was an attempt that I managed to escape.  I wrote about it in my book in Chapter 18 “Why is everyone doing drugs?”

This is what happened to me.  It was my mothers so-called “best friend” who was a prostitute in the 1960’s and 70’s.  We had moved into her and her husbands house in 1986 near the end of the school year temporarily because we had nowhere else to go.  I went to the kitchen to get a glass of tea and she grabbed me by the crotch and she held onto my balls with a tight grip for at least 5 minutes straight before taking me to the couch and face raping me.  She was trying to take off my clothes and that was when I started thinking “have a seizure, have a seizure, for god sake, HAVE A SEIZURE!”  I managed to fake one and she put me to bed and then she went to her bed, and I could hear her crying.  I was crying too, but she didn’t hear me.

I had grand mal and petit mal seizures as a baby and during most of my childhood and I was having them more during the school year of 1985/86.  I was in special ed and had seen other people having seizures, so I knew what to do.  I was 15 years old at the time, but I was still a child.

Facebook really needs to clean house.  They are allowing people to make pages without needing approval based on the page name and description.  Anyone could make a page about anything for any reason and nobody checks to make sure they are being good.  It’s all up to us, the community, to keep these pages in line by reporting them to Facebook.

As a page owner, I have to adhere to a strict criteria.  I abide by all of the rules and regulations (that I know about), but I also try to abide by common sense, and that means to be a good little boy.  Although, as an atheist, I have posted images that are anti-religion, but only because they are exposing how anti-gay certain religious people are.  But even if I were a Christian, I would still post those to let people see how anti-gay people are in the religion.  It’s basically standing up for myself and my community.  What that guy is doing is he is making fun of people who are or were molested as children and it’s not right and we, as in people with common sense, shouldn’t have to put up with those kinds of pages clogging up the Facebook hard drives when there could be more positive role models clogging up their hard drives.

Look, this world is dark enough as it is with all the bullying, senseless suicides of our gay children who were bullied, school and movie theater shootings and with people murdering their families or children (tot mom – allegedly).  We need to stop being so negative as a society and start being positive role models.  There needs to be more accountability and positivity coming out of the internet inspiring people to be good, instead of inspiring them to commit crimes.

Sorry for rambling.  This was my 2 cents lol.  Stepping off my soapbox now.

Please follow United Against RIP Trolls and Cyberbullies on Facebook so you can start seeing their posts to report people.  There are many more pages that tell people to report pages and when I see them, I usually share the post on my facebook page and ask people to report them as well.

Image Credit: CBSNews.com

Caution: You Have Entered a (NO) Free Speech Zone

Do you have freedom of speech?  I don’t.

I started using Facebook in 2007.  My life partner’s sister-in-law signed up for Facebook a few years later and immediately started telling me what to do.  The first thing she did was send me an email telling me that I can’t use a cartoon as my profile picture.  I was shocked that she had the nerve to tell me what I can do on my own Facebook page.  Then she told me that I wasn’t allowed to post any gay rights issues.  I was gobsmacked that she would tell me that because again, it’s MY wall.

To keep things neutral, I put a restriction on her and all of her family members, including a few of my own family members just in case.  If they don’t want to see certain things then I won’t shove it down their throats by allowing them to see it.  In return, they shove their religion down my throat every time they post religious stuff on their page.  Sounds fair, right?  That was sarcasm by the way.

Yesterday I woke up and found this in my inbox.

I was in shock again because everything that I had posted that was offensive to her was properly hidden, or so I thought.  Apparently on her new tablet using mobile Facebook, she can see EVERYTHING!  Not just the posts that I had shared and hidden but also all of my likes.  If I went through the list of posts on the Facebook “home” page and started clicking the like button, she saw all of those likes.  That means if I clicked like on “Have a Gay Day” she saw it and apparently that is so offensive to her that she just couldn’t stand looking at her own Facebook page because she was inundated with pro-gay stuff.

I went on a rant on Facebook yesterday saying if you don’t want to see my pro-gay shit then unfriend me, and she saw that too even after I unfriended her.  I had to unfriend her and her whole family and then block each one of them so none of them would see anything that might be offensive to them.  My book is also offensive to them.

Normally I would say this is MY life and if you don’t like it then hit the bricks, but this is my life partner’s family here, I can’t be a jerk to them because that would put a huge strain on our relationship, it already has.  So to build a bridge, I had to create a whole new Facebook page specifically for them to follow.  That means I will not be allowed to do anything.  I won’t be able to “Like” any gay Facebook pages or “Like” any pro-gay posts, heck I won’t be able to “Like” a status update from anyone out of fear that I am offending one person.

I am trying to be nice here and not cuss, but it’s very difficult.  I have already censored the F-word four times now.

So why am I telling you good people?  Because I am putting a warning out there for you all.  If you have fundamental born again Christian family members and/or in/outlaws, you are sharing too much stuff that they clearly don’t want to see.  Not that you have to care, but I’m just letting you know because I’m sure you don’t want to put a strain on your relationship with those people.

My life partner refuses to get on Facebook for this very reason.  I have thought about leaving Facebook many times, but I refuse to be silenced.  I want my voice to be heard, not just on my regular Facebook wall but also my books Facebook page.  My freedom of speech should not be limited, even though it has been, but to make up for the censorship, I am going to be even more vocal about my right to free speech and gay rights and equality because that is what I am passionate about.  I don’t give a flying… leap about what other people think of me, I am GAY and I am not going AWAY!  I’m here, I’m queer, GET FUCKING USED TO IT!

Yeah, I say that now, but then I go to that one Facebook page with my tail tucked between my legs and post pictures of kittens and puppies…  My balls have been removed and my fundie outlaw is wearing them as earrings.

I am 42 years old and I am not just being bullied, but I’m being cyberbullied by my own family.  Isn’t that a kick in the pants?

“Kill every last gay person” – Ugandan Legislators

There is an injustice happening in the world today.  I won’t even try to explain it in my own words because I will probably screw it up, so read this email that Change.org sent me today.

Dear Michel,

Citibank and Barclays could save the lives of lesbian, gay, bisexual and transgender (LGBT) people in Uganda.

The Ugandan legislature could vote any day on a so-called “Kill the Gays” bill that could result in legalizing the death penalty for any LGBT person in the country. But Citibank and Barclays together have hundreds of millions of dollars invested in Uganda and wield significant influence in the country, just as banking lobbyists wield influence with Congress in the US. If Citibank and Barclays speak out against the “Kill the Gays” bill, Ugandan legislators will take notice in a hurry.

Collin Burton is a Citibank customer — he’s also gay. Collin started a petition on Change.org asking Citibank and Barclays to speak out against the “Kill the Gays” bill. Click here to sign Collin’s petition right now.

Citibank and Barclays are both big supporters of LGBT rights for their own employees, yet they invest money with a government that is threatening to execute LGBT people. “I expect Citibank and Barclays to live up to the values of equality and fairness, not just list them on their websites,” Collin says.

If Citibank and Barclays speak out against the “Kill the Gays” bill, Ugandan legislators will see that they are risking the business relationships that keep their government afloat.

Click here to sign Collin’s petition asking Citibank and Barclays to issue strong statements condemning Uganda’s “Kill the Gays” bill. The bill could come up for a vote any day, so swift action is essential.

Thanks for being a change-maker,

– Eden and the Change.org team

Does this not sound like a holocaust to you?  They want to exterminate gays just as the Nazi’s exterminated the Jews, Gays, Blacks and anyone who wasn’t what they expected to be the perfect human being.

How can you help by clicking the link above and signing the petition asking Citibank and Barclays to condemn Uganda?  If they threatened to cut ties with them, perhaps Uganda will change their mind.  If they still won’t change their minds at least Citibank and Barclays won’t have blood on their hands by being associated with Uganda knowing they are in bed with the Nazi’s of today.

Please, sign the petition.  You don’t even know how many lives you might save just by clicking a link and signing a petition.  It could be in the thousands or millions even.  If this is allowed to happen in Uganda then perhaps the hate might spread like wildfire and next thing you know other countries will be following suit.

It’s just a shame that Citibank and Barclays, being pro-gay businesses themselves, didn’t just take action on their own.  Why has it come down to a petition on change.org for them to do something?

A New Paper Book Proof

I got my first paper book proof last week on Wednesday and have been working hard reading the whole book to make sure there weren’t any mistakes.  Unfortunately I found many.  I worked hard to read the whole book again in just a few days so I could correct all of the errors so that I could republish the e-book files and order another proof.  Done and done!

I republished everything last night and today the e-book files went live again with the updated file.  Tonight I got an email saying that my paper book was ready for me to order a proof which I did.  So now all I can do is wait for it to arrive and hope there are no new errors that I might have missed lol.  I probably should read the whole thing again before the proof gets here.  I’m pretty sure it’s all good now and I have nothing to worry about.  Then again that’s what I said when I originally published my book lol.

I’m tired.  Not just because it’s 1:30 A.M., but because I am tired of reading my book so many times.  Writing it only took 2, maybe 2 1/2 months, the rest of the 7 months was all editing.  I read my book about 50 to 100 times, I lost count so I can’t even say how many times I’ve read it.  I just want to wash my hands of the whole thing and say it’s finished, buy it lol.  But, it’s my baby and I want to give it all of the attention it desires.  It is my first book and if I plan on writing any future books I have to get used to reading it again and again and again until I can’t see ANY errors at all.  But that would be obsessive compulsive, which is why I published it when I did lol.

Ok seriously, it’s 1:30 A.M., I am exhausted so goodnight!

Revised Edition

If you are one of the many who bought my book from Amazon, Barnes & Noble or Rainbow eBooks and have noticed a lot of errors, please feel free to redownload the file because I have corrected all of the errors.  Well, all of the errors that I recognized to be errors.

I spent the last 3 days re-reading the book to find and fix the typos and grammatical errors.  I seriously have no idea how that even happened because I thought it was finished, otherwise I wouldn’t have published it when I did.  Thank goodness Chip caught a few of the errors when I got the proof book on Wednesday.  There was one error that I wouldn’t have even caught if I didn’t read it again, the page numbers on one side of one of the chapters, I believe it was chapter 11 was missing.  I don’t know how I missed that lol.  He also noticed some redundancy issues in the description on the back of the book which I had to fix in Gimp.

I was glad that I found the errors and fixed them because I didn’t want the paper version to have the errors.  I mean, e-book errors are one thing because they can be downloaded again, but a paper book is forever.  You cannot update a paper book.

I don’t know if the Nook and/or Kindle will automatically update the ebook for you, but I do know that the files from Rainbow eBooks will have to be downloaded again.  I would send out an email if I knew who downloaded the book, but I don’t so I only hope that you are going to my website and are reading this right now.

Thanks for your purchase.

Edit: Rainbow eBooks files have been updated, the Nook and Kindle files may take 12-24 hours.  Check in at Noon on Sunday…

Edit: The Nook file on the B&N website and the Kindle file on the Amazon website have been updated.  However, it will not update on your Nook or Kindle automatically.  If you want to receive the update, you will have to delete it and download it again.  Here is a quote from the FAQ section:

“If you replace your NOOK Book file, customers who have already purchased and downloaded your NOOK Book will not have the NOOK Book replaced on their devices. If they delete and re-download your NOOK Book, or if they download the NOOK Book for the first time to a new device, they will receive the updated file.”

I can only assume this would be the same for the Kindle.  Again, I am very sorry for the inconvenience this may have caused you, but it is worth it if you have found errors that drive you as crazy as it has driven me.

I tried to delete an e-book from my Nook that I bought in the Nook store but there wasn’t an option to delete.  So maybe you are wondering how you can delete a book if your Kindle or Nook won’t let you.  Perhaps you can plug your device into your computer so you can view the files.  Find where the e-books are that you paid for and delete mine.  When you unplug it, go into your library where your paid books are and have it check for new content.  It will find my book and download the updated version.  I hope this helps.